Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
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A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
some Old Testament wisdom
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.