i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
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GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Miscakes
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall