[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
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So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon