I am officially off the market馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
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Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You鈥檇 be cancelled
This won鈥檛 work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you鈥檝e had a lot already… I don鈥檛 want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn鈥檛 know about covid-19 and they鈥檙e gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she鈥檚 safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I鈥檓 a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you鈥檙e expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
if you compliment a dude鈥檚 shirt, you better mean it, because that鈥檚 the only shirt he鈥檒l wear out for the next five years.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Roadkill is just a goth zoo