My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
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I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
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90Me: Nailed it.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer