The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
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My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”