In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
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[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is