I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
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Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
We all have our pet causes.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.