7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
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forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Me buying fruit and veg
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
We cut our bangs at dawn.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
I’d use my best pan on you.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*