I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
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Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
TEETH IS INNOCENT
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Tuesday
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
new record!
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?