Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
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Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.