Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
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Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”