Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
You Might Also Like
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
And then there were 4
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Watson was Holmes schooled
I have a black belt in leather
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.