“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
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Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal