Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
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Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
every college guy’s fridge
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
at ease…shoulder.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat