What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
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On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
The three genders.