Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
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Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Haha good job!!
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.