me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
You Might Also Like
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Swedish for common sense.
*checks Timeline*…
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.