The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
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what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.