[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
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Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Hey i am sexy to you now
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.