Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
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Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
buys donuts instead
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back