You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
You Might Also Like
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
That lamp looks PISSED.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.