PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
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“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Well, this certainly took a turn
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”