A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
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him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Great acting.. 😂
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.