Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
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Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
no
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
quarantine day 3
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl