“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
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Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!