boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
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and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
drew a comic about my origin story
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?