Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
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Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.