[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
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Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
I wish I were this cool 😂
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.