He took my last fry, your honor
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ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers