[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
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My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!