Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
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It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english