50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
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Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Goat cheese is for herders.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
#Caturday
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught