Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
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FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
👾👾👾
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
me refusing to leave twitter