You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
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*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in