Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
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My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid