Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
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Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.