* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
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Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
when mom throws a party…
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Terribly Tuesday.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.