I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
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[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
I don’t know what to do
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.