The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
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*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
every. time.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
God has abandoned us.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok