Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
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“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.