[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
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The internet is undefeated.. 😂
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
podcasts
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.