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My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
your honor my client chooses dare
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!