You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
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Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.