Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
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Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
had to share :’)
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
March 16
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day