Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
You Might Also Like
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
The best shot in the history of golf