What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
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a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself