The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
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i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
This was a bad idea all around
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this