Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
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Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Bike is short for Bichael.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.