I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
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7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse