My time has come.
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roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification